Wednesday, June 10, 2015

Lady Doctors, Cowboys and the Gummy Bear Association Part 2

By now, you are probably wondering what the heck any of this story has to do with cowboys and gummy bears.  Don't worry, we'll get there soon enough.

As we left off in the last part of the story, I had just come from the hospital and had been instructed to visit a Frauenartz for an exam and blood work.  If you missed out on the previous post, check out part 1 for info on a lovely trip to the ER for no apparent reason beyond doing what I'm told.  But I'm being a bit harsh.  I do, deep down, appreciate that my experience in the Swiss health care system errs on the side of caution by insisting that I get checked out promptly.  Even though it costs 200CHF a pop regardless of if it is at the emergency room or a doctor's office.

After leaving the hospital with instructions to find a Frauenartz (Lady Doctor), now the challenge was finding one.  It can be difficult in smaller towns to find a doctor who is taking patients.  Many private practicing doctors are joining hospitals rather than keeping their private practice going.  I got lucky, especially since here in Baden, many people have just started going to the hospital for these sorts of general maintenance.  But this can mean that the hospital clinics can be booked for weeks.

Available Frauenartz?  Check.  Frauenartz who is a Frau?  Well...nö.

I told myself, "Suck it up, Gina.  Be an adult.  Put on you big girl pants and then go to the manly lady doctor and then take them off again."  Ready to get it all over and done with, I did just that.

It is true that quite a large number of doctors in Switzerland speak English well, but if you hint at all that you speak or understand German, they will pretty much assume you have a very good grasp of it and blaze forwards on that premise.  Bring your thinking cap - oh and you might also bring your own patient gown, too.  Yeah...those are not considered necessary here, nor is knocking before coming into observation rooms, or shame.  Best leave shame at home - it will just get in the way of you standing in the middle of the room like an artist's model.

Herr Dr. So-and-So was polite, professional, but a bit on the brusque side. After customary handshakes, efficiency was the name of the game.   That is until this conversation happened:

Herr Dr.: So you are American, yes?

Me: Yes.

Herr Dr: What part of America are you from?

Me (awkwardly reclined on something between a stainless steal couch and an exam table and trying not to recall a similar looking one from the set of "Alien Autopsy" on the Scifi Channel): Colorado

Herr Dr. (swinging around excitedly):  Like the Haribo gummys!  And cowboys!

Me:  Haribo gummies?

Herr Dr. (turning his attention back to my business): Oh yes. The Colorado mix from Haribo.  They are my favourite treat.  I like the little bats.

Me: Interesting. There's a Colorado candy?  In Switzerland?

Herr Dr (using way too much KY for the ultrasound at this point because he has gotten distracted and now I'm beginning to slide all over the table): Oh yes! Please be still, Frau Bingham. Are there many bats in Colorado? And tell me about the cowboys and the horses and the guns.

Me:  Bats? Sure. Cowboys? Well yes, I suppose there are. There are not as many as before.

Herr Dr.: We are all slippy-slidey today?  Please be still, Frau Bingham. I always wanted to be a cowboy and do the, what is it called, rodeo?  But I became a gynaecologist instead *sigh*.  But the work is nice.

Me: Rodeo cowboy work or gynaecology work is nice?

Herr Dr.:  Haha, Frau Bingham - funny.  Anyway, there is nothing wrong with you.  We will do blood tests just to be sure.  Bye bye.

And suddenly it was just over.  Two trips to the doctor, a bath in KY and a weird conversation with a Swiss doctor about his obsession with the Wild West and gummy candy.  I thought to myself, "What the hell just happened? Are there enough tissues in this exam room to remove the gallon of gunk from my midsection?"

Naturally, I decided to check out this Haribo Colorado.
Haribo Colorado Mix

At first glance, it looks like Haribo took everything that fell off of the factory conveyor belt at the end of the day and put it all into the same bag.  It is confusing mishmash of what I, as a native Coloradan, was unable to identify as definitive Colorado-esque symbols.  We must investigate further.
*Also aware that this could all be Color Wheel - but I've decided that this is irrelevant.  Just for you nay-sayers out there.

Observations:

1.  The bag is in German and Spanish.  1 point for Haribo.  Appropriate.

2.  Bag graphic depicts a bear lassoing a bat while standing next to a hat-tipping cowboy.  Cliché, but appropriate. We've all been to that college party.  1/2 point.

3.  Content analysis.  My theory as to what the shapes are using sight and taste for testing follows:

Contents of Haribo Colorado Mix

Result:  5 and 1/2 points of 10 on Colorado accuracy.  Good effort, Haribo!

A few suggestions for additions and alterations, if I may:

  • mountains
  • tornados
  • rocks and/or cactus - just make 75% of everything in the bag dirt coloured
  • can you gummify "dry and hot"?
  • green chilies
  • Rocky Mountain oysters - if you don't know, don't ask
  • dinosaur fossils
  • micro-brews
  • mountain bikers
  • guns and pickup trucks
  • marijuana
You're welcome, Haribo.